The first time I connected emotionally with my body
I vividly remember the first time I deliberately moved emotions through my body.
I’d just turned 40. Over the last couple of years I’d been slowly regaining access to my feelings, after a lifetime of shoving them away deep inside. I was starting to recognise different shades of emotions like anger, hurt, and shame. But I hadn’t learnt how to process or move through them. I had a whole lifetime of unfelt feelings, big and small, still stuck inside me.
That day I was feeling especially emotionally constipated. I was aware that I needed to release some blocked feelings. But that felt impossible—I had no idea what they were or how to let them out.
I’d recently joined a Sisterhood Circle and a lot of the talk among the other women was about dancing their feelings out. That sounded utterly mysterious to me. But as I sat at my laptop feeling too stuck and anxious to work, I decided I had nothing to lose by trying it.
I made a quick playlist of songs that I knew “gave me the feelings”, put it on, stood in the living room and started dancing.
Except that I didn’t actually move. I stood there, legs planted on the floor, arms down by my side, chest open and chin up. And I cried. Tears streamed down my cheeks while the music played for a full 20 minutes.
My body was so relieved that I’d intentionally connected it to my feelings that it just emptied out. I still don’t know what I was actually feeling that day, but I felt so much relief afterwards. The stuck feeling had gone and after a rest I was able to get back to work with renewed energy.
A new chapter
That day changed everything for me. It set me off on a whole new chapter of healing.
It was as if my body said “Finally! She’s figured out how to move through emotion. Now let’s bring up all the feelings stuck in here so she can release them!”
This kicked off a very intense phase in my life that lasted about 15 months. I’d wake up in the morning with a knot in my belly. Or an ache in my chest. And I knew it was some old feeling rising to the surface. Then began some detective work—using tools like journaling, meditation, and an emotions wheel to figure out what was behind it.
Once I’d figured it out what the feeling was, the next task was to actively release it. I started off using music and dance like I had that first time. Over time I discovered new release tools like breathwork, tapping, and the power of ritual, that helped me move emotional energy through my body in different ways. Sometimes I read books or watched films that touched those parts of me and helped me get it all out.
Eventually—after maybe a few hours, sometimes a few days or even a few weeks—the releasing phase would come to an end. I’d feel a sense of peace and resolution, and the releasing process would be over. I’d go about my life for a while. Then one day I’d wake up with another sensation inside and the whole cycle would start over.
Thankfully after those 15 months things settled down again and life became much less intense. This pattern of feelings rising to the surface does still kick in from time to time, and I suspect things will continue to come up—at least occasionally—for the rest of my life.
Moving through the discomfort
Often in this period I was difficult to live with. I was no longer pushing away or numbing uncomfortable feelings—although I did indulge in an unhealthy amount of comfort eating to “help” me through the hardest parts.
I welcomed difficult emotions and leant into them. A lack of practice and the sheer volume of stuff I had to work through meant I sometimes found myself overwhelmed and unable to remain calm with my family. Especially with my daughter who was a strong-willed three year old at the time, highly sensitive to my moods, and very comfortable with expressing her own big feelings about my unsettled state!
Sometimes I spent a few days in a state of anxiety unsure how to move forwards. But even then it felt totally different to previous times I’d lived with anxiety. Now I had a strong sense of progress—that the anxiety was something I needed to figure out how to pass through. And an increasing confidence that I’d be able to do just that. Whereas before I’d experienced anxiety as an overwhelming stuckness that had nowhere to go.
Pushing out the “splinters”
I kept moving through it all despite the challenges. Mostly because I had no choice—once each feeling rose to the surface there was nowhere for it to go but out of me. But also because the increased ease I felt in my life after each release was so wonderful.
I have an image of splinters lodged deep inside me. While they are stuck deep down I’m unaware of them, although I’m sure I unconsciously restrict parts of my life to avoid pressing on them too hard. Then as each one rises to the surface I become acutely aware of the pain. By then there’s no way to push them down again. And they have to come all the way out so that the wounds can heal. There might be a tender spot for a while afterwards, but it’s a “clean” kind of tender that feels good. As more and more emotional “splinters” leave my body I feel lighter and freer. More expansive, with more energy to devote to what’s in front of me.
I can’t imagine what life would be like now if I hadn’t gone through this surfacing and releasing process. I’m sure I would have a lot more anxiety, and less energy. I know a lot of the experiences that have opened up for me recently wouldn’t have come my way. I certainly wouldn’t be writing this blog now. I’m hugely grateful that I was able to invest the time and effort it took to keep moving through. Life looks—and feels—good on the other side.
Are you sitting with any uncomfortable feelings at the moment? Try putting on some music that resonates, moving your body however it wants to, and just let the feelings pass through. Let me know how you get on!
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