Why I set myself the challenge
I was feeling emotionally constipated a few weeks ago. My comfort eating had ramped up massively, and I was spending far too much time playing match 3 games on my phone. Both clear signs for me that I’m trying to bury some emotions.
I often notice those external signs before I notice the feelings themselves. I suspect this is one of my autistic traits—all the inner work I’ve done over the past four years hasn’t changed this. Although I’m confident that I know how to work through my feelings now, I still need to make a deliberate effort to figure out what they are first.
I knew I needed to set aside time to figure out what was going on so I could move through it. I also wanted to spend time creating content for my newly created Facebook page, and I was worried that I wouldn’t have time for both. An idea kept popping up in my head that maybe I could combine the two.
Eventually I gave an internal pat on the head to the voices in my brain saying “this is too weird, no-one does this”. Then—before I could change my mind again—I flung up a quick post setting myself an online challenge to work through it and post a daily update on my page.
What is “inner work” anyway?
Four years ago I had no idea what it meant to “do my inner work”. Literally no idea where to start. My brain needs a clear process and practical steps to work through and it all just sounded too mystical—not something that I could access. I’ve spent the last four years trying different emotional tools and techniques and figuring out what works for me. My business mission is to help other people do the same.
The steps I share here are an example of what it means to me to do my inner work.
Day 1—feelings list
I had very little time to myself that day, but I grabbed a feelings list and took it into the loo with me. That’s the only way of guaranteeing privacy in this house! Nothing hugely jumped out at me, but I circled a few different words: longing, antsy, faulty, resentful, lethargic, sensitive, lonely, uncertain, depleted.
Of that list, lonely is the one that stood out the most. Reading it made me feel a bit of an ache in my tummy. Which made sense because my husband had been away since early August.
Day 2—journaling
On day 2 I used a lot of trial and error to try and get more connected to what was going on.
When I woke up I lay in bed and tried to connect to any loneliness inside. But becoming more aware of my body just made me realise that I was thirsty, needed a wee, and ate too much the night before (toad in the hole + bread and butter pudding = the best emotion smothering comfort food!)
Later I had a rage moment in the shower when my daughter was demanding my attention through the door. That made me wonder if there was some resentment being hidden by the loneliness feeling.
After a difficult school drop off, I made a cup of tea and sat down to journal. Sometimes I journal by just guessing what’s up until my body gives me a clue—like getting tearful when I write a certain sentence. I know from experience that its always more nuanced and complex than my brain expects so I tried to tease apart all the different aspects. I discovered:
The feeling I thought was loneliness was actually a shame that felt kind of smothering, like a weight on my chest.
The shaming was directed towards a part of me that is very subservient.
I’d recently done a maladaptive schema test recommended by my therapist. Two of my three Very High scores were Subjugation and Self-Sacrifice 
. This is Not At All who my brain thinks I am, but I’ve learnt I can’t always trust that “logical” part of me to know what’s really going on under the surface.
That test result came after a series of revelations that I’ve been putting my daughter’s wants before my needs—all while telling myself I was putting her needs before my wants. It made sense that the work I’d been doing to hold better boundaries had stirred up some feelings!
I found a connected angry part of me who wanted to know why no-one is putting my needs before theirs. This part is a bit foot stompy and thinks It’s Not Fair!
Day 3—research
Today I sat down to read more about maladaptive schemas and had some more insights. I’ll add a content warning here: family breakup and bereavement.
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I finally felt a big emotional response reading a case study about someone who’s parent had passed away when they were a child. They became self-sacrificing in relationships as an adult because they were unable to trust that people wouldn’t leave them.
That confused me at first as nothing like that happened to me as a child. But then I realised what’s really going on, and finally had a little cry (I LOVE crying! It always feels like such a wonderful release).
My parent’s split up when I was seven, and although I don’t have any fear of being left personally, it turns out I do have a lot of fear about our family splitting up. This isn’t conscious at all. I feel wonderfully secure in my relationship with my husband, and I have no present-day reason to think that we would split up. But I can feel the fear-programming that’s there from my childhood.
I fear that if I don’t give my all for my family, my family won’t stay intact. And actually that’s making me act in ways that are making family life harder for all of us.
Day 4—self-soothing
When I woke up early I went for a wee and had a drink to remove physical distractions this time!
Then I got back into bed and tried to connect with the subservient part of me that I connected with yesterday. I focused on the fear of my family breaking up and tried to tune into how that fear felt in my body.
I didn’t have any big revelations, but I did feel like I found an inner child version of me still hurting from when my parents divorced.
I drifted off to sleep for a bit, and I imagined hugging that younger version of myself to comfort her. I do this quite often if I identify a vulnerable part of me that needs some healing, it feels very soothing.
Day 5—guided meditation
I felt a big release today!
Despite feeling a looooot of resistance, I used a guided meditation from my One Of Many coaching toolbox. Facing fears is never fun, even from the safety of bed!
This meditation always feels powerful when I go through it with my clients, and I use it myself regularly too. It’s a way of letting myself express deep fears or beliefs, and sending love to the parts of me that need it.
I had a big cry (yay!) and found myself doing several huge shuddery yawns. Big yawns are always a sign for me that things are shifting inside and I’m letting go of old beliefs or emotions.
What shifted over the challenge?
I know I still have work to do to on some of the things that came up during this challenge. But after my big release on Day 5 I was able to remove my match 3 game from my phone—a clear sign that I’ve managed to let go of a lot of stuff and free up my energy for other things. I’ve noticed that I’ve been more patient with my daughter since then as well—which makes a huge difference to how life feels at home.
I’m feeling proud of myself for how far I’ve come over the last four years—feeling confident that I’d have progress to share each day in real time is huuuge for me. I know I never need to feel helplessly stuck in my emotions again and that’s incredibly empowering.
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